“when do you feel the most beautiful?” my interviewer asked me while I scanned my resume trying to relate her question back to my work experience.

“excuse me?” I replied trying to make sense of what she asked me.

“Don’t worry its not a trick question. We just want to know when you feel the most beautiful…” She smiled and waited for my response.

Normally I’m really good at answering typical quirky interview questions like “whats your spirit animal?” and I would reply by saying how an octopus is my spirit animal because I would love to explore the deep sea and that means in the corporate world that I like to go above and beyond my responsibilities blah blah blah please hire me i’m poor. But this question was very personal and disheartening because honestly I don’t know when i feel beautiful especially at my most.

She recognized my eye twitching  and was about to change the topic when I quickly interjected trying to not look like a weird troll with no self-esteem that I am

“I feel most beautiful when… when I sit on the bus alone.”

She awkwardly nodded and smiled as she moved on to the next question.

I literally saw my job opportunity snap, crackle, and pop before me as my interviewer thanked me for my time and will give me a “follow up email”.

I didn’t get the chance to explain my answer.

I feel most beautiful when I sit on the bus alone because I commute all over my city for work and school. Commuting is the only time I get to be by myself with people I don’t know and really just be free with my own mind for a good 30 minutes. I get to be my saddest on the bus alone and thats when I oddly feel beautiful because I was letting it all go.

The sadness isn’t the beautiful part but the relief I get for letting myself feel that way entirely and not hiding it is what I value. After I tap off the bus I feel like I can handle life again well only until the next bus ride at least.

I walked into the wedding venue with my old prom suit jacket and a size too small dress pants. I tried to look like I belong to a wedding party that I only knew three people at including the bride.

I looked like mr potato head in an ill fitted suit and I needed a drink. Fast!

The wedding venue itself was very beautiful. It was an old rowing club beautifully adorned with a lot of charming wooden furniture and vintage photos of strapping young men ready to well… row. The “aha!” moment to why this venue was chosen was the beautiful view overlooking the lake with the sun shining looking like it was blessing the lucky couple on their special day.

My plus one/best friend Gurpreet was silently waiting for his actual plus one to come out of the ceremony, his poorly covered excitement waiting for his boyfriend was very cute to observe. It looked like he was waiting for some good news but he already knew the good news he just couldn’t get enough of it. I wondered how that would feel and downed another free drink.

The ceremony finally concluded and the party began but by the time everybody was crowding around the open bar I was already 3 drinks in and talking to random family relatives and cute titas (the grooms side is filipino ayeeee). I finished my conversation with a beautiful lola about my reality show stunt and sat next to the venue doors trying to keep to myself and enjoy the party from a distance. I really tried to be on my best behaviour since I embarrassed Gurpreet on his birthday party being a little too drunk and loose with my words.

I looked down at my phone checking if anyone snapped me when I felt someone tugging on my jacket. I look beside me and I see a very cute asian girl sitting on my jacket with a really big smile on her face. I instantly felt like she could see through my soul.

“Hi! I’m Mitsuki! I’m good friends with the bride and groom” she yelled extending her hand out with another big smile.

I was taken back how friendly she was and smiled right back at her shaking her hand

“Hi! I’m Kevy and I’m kinda drunk!” I joked and we both laughed for a good minute.

She immediately stopped laughing and puts her hand on my shoulder

“Do you have someone special in your li-”

I stopped her because I wanted her to save her breath.

“Look at me Mitsuki! You think anyone would want to date this?” I laughed and realized I was the only one laughing.

She genuinely looked worried like the look my grandma would give me when I open the fridge door past 8pm.

“Hey it’s not that serious… I’m just- I just- I ju” this is when I started stuttering my explanation to why i’m single. Am I “just seeing where life takes me?” Am I just plain ugly? Am I the chosen one that needs to stay pure to redeem everyones salvation #nunlyfe? All these stupid and not so stupid reasons jumbled in my head and I started to have a mini break down. Oh god what is Gurpreet gonna say now when I start drunk crying for everybody to see?!

“Don’t worry…”She looked into my eyes

“Your soulmate is coming.” Mitsuki said in the most omniscient voice i’ve ever heard. Its like she picked off all the stars in the sky and put them in her words. After she said that all my insecurities and excuses about why I was single silenced and I managed to focus on one thing, hope.

Do I really think my soulmate is out there? Who cares!

Mitsuki reminded me that all of that doesn’t matter and what does is the hope of good things to come. It’s that hope that should matter and not what really comes out of it. It always comes back to enjoying your life/journey and taking problems as they come instead of obsessively thinking about the expectations.

You leave it to the universe/god/powers that be and you just live the best life you can! Thats what I learned on that wooden bench in the rowing club venue at a beautiful wedding I was gratefully invited to.

Thank you Mitsuki ❤ and congratulations to Kathleen and Cyrus thank you so much for inviting me to THE big day!!!!!

I know I haven’t been posting much but thank you for sticking around 🙂

See you next post!

-k

before you bring out your pitchforks and drinking that shade tea here is the SFW definition of “masturdate”

i’ve been masturdating all my life… but never knew that there was an actual funny term to what i was doing every friday night. (who am i kidding every day) and other people were doing it as well!

so i officially commemorated july 23rd 2015 to be my first official masturdate to myself because whats a better way to “treat yoself” then set an anniversary date dedicated to just that!

so ladies and gentlemen and unlabelled & free, i present to you publicly….

i started my masturday finishing up AMERICAN HORROR STORY: FREAKSHOW

after bawling my eyes out to the season finale i woke up my belly from its slumber. since it was my masturday i put the kale on hold and made myself a good pot of mac and cheese

i ate every bite without feeling bad at all. it was so liberating LOOOL i felt like peter pan dancing around how good the mac and cheese was. then reality hit because my thighs were jiggling so hard they told me to calm down and take a couple seats.

after the one man dance party i decided to go watch inside out again. it was more magical this time around. i guess you can appreciate the character sadness more on your self proclaimed bachelor holiday. it became my favourite movie of all time throwing forrest gump into the second spot!

if you haven’t watched this movie yet please do yourself a favour and go watch it! its a real dream of a movie!

my masturdate day ended with a cup of tea and ed sheeran on spotify.

i think we do things so mindlessly and obviously we do things for our own pleasure but we never really think about how much we appreciate it. although my day was pretty uneventful (besides the thigh jiggling part, I’m still recovering from that) the fact that i set a whole day for myself slowed down time for me. i appreciated my masturdate life more.

of course i got so many insecurities big and small but this tiny day out of the whole entire year was a yell back at all that insecurity

“chill! i’m working on it!”

i will get back into the motion of things but i think its healthy to set aside days for yourself to keep yourself in check.

thank you so much for reading!

happy masturdating!!!!!!

🙂

see you next post!

-k

hi Kaylynn… hopefully you will get to read this time capsule letter when you are old enough to read english or maybe you’ll be reading this through a global collective knowledge brain chip that automatically translates any language for you. *old man voice* Back in my day we had to take one bus to school and there was no brain chips!

Anyways this is my sappy letter for your 1 year birthday!

Kaylynn my darling niece,

Happy first birthday angel!

So you might know by now that mostly every korean child will have a ceremony on their first birthday to celebrate the life that you are going to live. It’s a korean tradition and wikipedia tells me that this is called Doljanchi which sounds like a really legendary pokemon. Does pokemon still exist in the year (insert the year you are reading this)?

Anyways so the big ritual that everyone in the village comes out to see is the fortune telling ritual. Pretty basic ritual if you ask me. So with all the items laid out in front of you, if you choose that item you are basically choosing your own destiny! I picked money and a pencil and darling kay i’m still waiting for that money part to happen haha, you on the other hand picked 5 colourful scrolls of paper and a paint brush. Very interesting but i think you broke many hearts that day not picking the stethoscope lol its ok we can be rebels together hehehehe

To me honestly I don’t care if you become a world leader that unites all people of colour with your talents (my interpertation of your Doljanchi, i mean might as well shoot for the stars right?) or a humble house painter that just really likes to paint. Either way these are my wishes for you!

I wish you the best out of life.

I wish that you will only seek happiness within yourself and know that you are genuinely loved by many people so don’t feel the need to find somebody to complete you because you are already whole!

I wish that you will focus all your energy in making yourself into a better person and positively invest in other peoples successes so in turn your success will be positive in itself.

I wish that money will not limit you and that money is only a tool for you to spread your positivity and kindness to people that are in need of help.

Know that you are already perfectly acceptable the way you are and you don’t need to change anything about you, you are already valid and beautiful inside & out.

Always choose happiness.

Always stay curious and ask questions.

And finally never ever dim your light so that others can be “comfortable” keep shining through and tomorrow is another day.

Always know that Uncle Kevin will always be there for you. I love you so much Kaylynn and I can’t wait to see you grow up into a phenomenal person.

Happy birthday my sweet, sweet angel! ❤

And go give your uncle a call would you!!!

Love, Kevin

“So dearest you, be kind to yourself, be kind to others, and give the best version of you that you can give, but know that even in the tough times, you are still valid, worthy and deserving of your own self love.”

I met up with my friend/mentor/vegan goddess Lauren Toyota to attend a youtube lighting workshop. The workshop was pretty fun learning about professional lighting and meeting other Canadian youtubers was super fun. After the workshop we got interviewed for someones youtube channel and then decided to leave. We walked along the lake and weaved through dirt roads and having a full out heart to heart on our way back home. It was super fun just catching up on life and what was new in our lives. Lauren started her own vlog channel (youtube.com/laurentoyota) and got a new DIY house project, for me I got a new juicer (i’m actually so happy with kale juice)  hahahaha.

After many jokes and talking about babies and dogs, Lauren started talking about how everybody has a story they tell themselves whether they are true or not its still a story that was created by how you feel and what you experience from your perspective. But like how perspectives change why not change and update the stories we tell ourselves that fit more into what we want out of our lives.

WHAT WE REALLY WANT!

I’ve been telling myself the same story for a long time and although my life has changed drastically from dragging my feet at a dead end health program to running building to building interning at production companies I still found myself telling myself the exact same story.

This is generally what story I was telling myself: Kevin Oh. The funny yet ugly friend. Hopeless in finding love and will die alone. Fat. You’re really fat in the face why do you even bother trying to be fit? I’m trying really hard to find a job but no wants to hire me. Broke. Not smart enough and can’t bite the bullet to stay at an office job that has more perks if I just tried harder. Why aren’t you trying harder? Weak minded.  Happy yet how long would this last without having a solid career?

Wow. Really writing this down was an eye opener itself. I just read this out loud and i didn’t realize how internally negative I was with my own life.

Now slowly but surely I’m trying to rewrite this story that I tell myself: Kevin Oh. Funny and witty as hell even if i’m the only one laughing at my own jokes. Spends more time loving myself. Deserves love and I have so much love to give to people and this world and i’m giving that love like confetti. Proud of my Korean features. I love my plump hands the most because it resembles my grandmas. Working on my fitness and my health one step at time. I’m working on it and i’m having fun with it! People want to hire me because I am talented. I have beautiful friends inside and out and really grateful to have them. A normal office job is not for me. I will have a creative job that I am able to live off of and truly be happy with. I am grateful and will live in the moment more. I create positive and entertaining videos for everyone to enjoy.

I recommend you try this exercise.

Get out your old journal or a scrap piece of paper and write down the story you tell yourself right now and the story you really want. One rule: No limits. And if you find yourself limiting to what you want just totally disregard it and keep writing! You are so deserving of the things you want in life and the first person who should really believe that is you.

Once you believe you can then these things will naturally manifest in your life. I’ve seen it happen in my life and more so in other peoples lives. All the best! Message me if this helps you I really want to know the positive progress you made!

See you next post!

-K