Throughout my teenage years I knocked on love’s door casually hoping It would it let me in or at least open. I look around me to see others stepping into love and also stepping out but they always leave with good memories.
And they tell me how those memories were not worth the struggle but I see the slight glimmer in their eyes when they recall the good ones. They would then go ahead and take another chance at true love, being brave enough to do so with their broken hearts on their sleeve. They find him or her and they were able to love courageously again. Being witness to these relationships gave me hope but also a deeper longing.
When will it be my turn?
I found myself waiting at love’s door knocking. Sometimes I would knock for the hell of it and sometimes I try tackling it down with overwhelming panic that I will never get in. Sometimes I leave the door alone for awhile and I almost forget about it. But the door teases me, opening ever so slightly for me to see what may happen inside. I take a step towards it but it shuts immediately making me second guess myself if it was ever open.
Am I the crazy one?
I have many loved ones that all tell me the same thing that I have to love myself first and focus on myself for that door to swing open and suck me in.
And like some instructions from a booklet I do just that. I do that for a couple years.
I’m almost 24 years old now and I felt ready and feel like i’ve accomplished enough self love. So I go back to that same door and talk about how much stronger I am. I talk about how comfortable I feel about my physical appearance and my career path. How I’m not bothered about being single and that my 20’s are my “selfish years.” In some sick way I felt that the door would swing right open because i’ve done everything required to have it open.
It stood shut.
That’s when I made the long over due realization that I have to accept that this door will never open for me on my own schedule.
“You don’t love yourself so someone else could love you too.”
I understand it but I hate it. I hate it so much.