firstly, i am very privileged and i am so grateful for the things i have. the fact that i am typing away on a macbook pro with a roof over my head and forever 21 in my closet you can definitely say i have no place to complain about material needs. but my friend franco and i were talking about our childhood routine when he mentioned

….. excuse me? mcdonalds for lunch? i felt like suddenly i was transported back to my grade 2 lunch break with my empty lunchbox (i ate it for my breakfast….i was a thick kid) and watching those kids getting mcdonalds in those bright red boxes of never-ending happiness. they would first pull out the fries first to tease me with the warm potato aroma then the toy omg the toy. i remember i asked one of the kids if i can play with their hot wheels toy but he said i can play with the box instead so i put the remnants of my lunch in the box and pretended i got a happy meal for lunch.

then it got me thinking why am i genuinely so angry about something so petty that happened many years ago. like why did i want to wake up my aunt and yell at it her for not dropping me off mcdonalds. my friend and i joked that i should blog about what i was deprived of in elementary school like buying only pencils and erasers at book fairs and never getting any prizes for selling chocolate but i still felt bothered by the whole mcdonalds ordeal.

why did it bother me so much?

well its definitely not like i was addicted to mcdonalds since i don’t really care about the food itself. it wasn’t the happy meal toy because i got many toys back at home. so what was bothering me? surely my aunt and grandma were doing me a service by not giving me junk food and instead making awesome home cooked food made with love but yet i still yearned for the shiny golden arches.

i read my friends text again and then it hit me, the word mom right before mcdonalds made a connection that i was unable to connect all these years. flashback to that grade 2 lunch class and i would see the moms come by the classroom and drop off the red boxes while giving their kid a hug.

i think i associated that bright red box to the hope of having my mom coming back.

wow who would thought i’d make this breakthrough because of mcdonalds.

my mom left me back when i was 6 years old and i just thought that maybe she’d come back with some fries and a burger. even to this day i am a little ashamed and embarrassed to be a little excited to order a happy meal other than it being “just a snack”.

i guess the reason why i’m writing this on my blog is that i’m ready to let go. i will always love my mom and i wish her the best but i’m ready to settle all this pain that comes in waves and triggers. i have got so much to look forward to and be happy about. i only need to peak into my grandmothers room in the middle of the night to be reminded that i am loved and where i got my snoring from lol.

thank you so much for reading and if you feel any same pain or “baggage” just know that we’re all broken in a way and that its ok to let things go. its ok to give forgiveness and you are also allowed to feel the relief of giving it.

❤

see you next post.

ps. go hug your mom!

-k